Be who you needed when you were younger.

If you read my “about me” section, you read my favorite quote, “Be who you needed when you were younger.” I don’t know the author of this quote, but I am eternally grateful. I didn’t have the worst childhood, but it wasn’t the easiest. Specifically the years leading up to his death and of course the many years after, I always felt that my head was outside of my body. Something about the most important person in your life dying suddenly and unexpectedly really throws your whole sense of self for a loop.

In high school, all of my friends and classmates were worried about their grades and who would be at the party that night. I was worried when everyone I cared for would leave. Whether it was forced or by choice, my father’s death made me realize that everyone leaves eventually. This realization made me feel so alone and desperate to keep hold of the people in my life. Now I recognize that this fear and redundant, jerking urge to control the friendships, relationships, and everything else has just been a learned response that which developed from the sudden loss of my dad.

The entire time I always thought I was looking for someone that could fill the void in my life that was left gaping open when he died. In all of the men that I have dated I can clearly remember myself thinking, “Wow, he’s so much like dad.” You know what I realized? I didn’t need to fill that void with another man, not even another person. I just needed to heal the void with taking care of myself. While writing this, I’m thinking, ‘wow, so revolutionary, Syd!”. But you know what, it is.

There’s no healing unless you take care of yourself. And to be honest, healing isn’t linear. One moment you can feel so fulfilled and proud of the person that you are after dealing with it all. The next moment, you can find yourself feeling like an idiot for even thinking that in the first place. Its ever-changing, ever-growing, and ever-evolving.

So, that’s what this blog is about– Sharing my journey while I try to heal from the loss of my dad and other experiences that I know have manifested in my life both mentally and physically. This healing journey toward becoming who I needed when I was younger.